punkinhead

This morning my daughter said she wanted to make my ‘famous’ banana bread for her favorite past principal.   This is usually a big task, because when we make banana bread, we make banana bread.  A triple batch.  No sense going to all that trouble for one measly loaf, right?  But – a chance to bake and mother/daughter bond?  Are you kidding?  Of course we can make banana bread on a school/work night!

Well, thanks to the Homework Gods, child is holed up in her room for what promises to be a 3 hour study session.  Great.   So, I decided to put on our cheesiest Christmas album and and get busy.  What is the cheesiest album, you ask?  2 words.  Mannheim Steamroller.  Doesn’t matter the album.  They all have a Cheese factor of 100.   Why, then, did I voluntarily listen to them?   Because, for some crazy reason, it has become tradition for us to listen to Mannheim Steamroller while we decorate our tree.  So, hearing those synthetic tunes come out of the Bose reminded me of the past, having a great time with my little girl.  And that’s what I’m about this week, cherishing my ‘little’ girl.   Even if our Baking Night plans fell through and she’s not little any more.  She’s home and she’s safe.

Anyway, the music made me laugh, and the bread is in the oven. Time to sit and have a moment of peace and quiet and maybe some “Downton Abbey”.   Cue husband walking in the door wanting to watch the basketball game.  So, much for finding out if Matthew and Mary ever get married!

Best laid plans…..Well, my computer just restarted in the middle of the last paragraph.  Yesterday would have been my 24th anniversary to my 1st husband.   The little loaf of banana bread I made was supposed to last us a couple of days and my family just ate half of it while it was still warm.  Plans change.   Lives change.  It’s what makes life interesting.  Sometimes it makes our lives happy.  Sometimes unbearably sad.

So my evening is not working out as I planned.   My life hasn’t worked out like I planned.  But my family is home and safe.  That’s all that matters to me today.  And every day.

It’s been 4 days and I still can’t get over the pain and sadness that Friday’s events in Newtown, Connecticut caused.  I find myself near tears every time I think about it.  I didn’t know any of the victims, I don’t know any of the families, I had never even heard of Newtown until Friday, but my heart breaks just the same.   Every time I think of how events played out in that school, I picture my daughter’s 1st grade classroom.   It was a place of happy noises and sweet voices.   Now I picture a group of terrified children and a brave teacher trying to protect them, though her human body was no match for the evil that entered the school that day.   I think of the principal lunging towards the gunman, and I picture the staff at my daughter’s school, and can see each and every one of them doing the same.

I’ve tried to stop thinking about it.  I’ve changed my Home pages to my email login page, so as to not have to see the headlines any more.  I’m not watching the news.  I won’t read the paper tomorrow.   The funerals have begun.  I can’t bear to read about the funerals. There shouldn’t be any funerals.

I know I need to move on.   But how unfair is that?  Those families won’t be able to move on for a long time.  If ever.  And they’ll never forget.   Neither will I.

But I’ve started to think about what our pastor said in church yesterday.   God is Love and God gives us Hope.  We had a baptism in church yesterday, a poignant contrast to the sorrow we felt.   But what a joyous thing to see a new baby – that’s what we need to believe in.   Love and Hope.

So now I’ve started thinking about the Good that happened Friday.   The parents who were reunited with their children.  I cannot imagine their joy.  The staff who could finally breathe a sigh of relief and open barricaded doors.   The children who were terrified, getting picked up and held by their mothers and fathers.  The family members who were called with the best news possible: their loved ones were safe.   A lot of bad happened Friday, but so did a lot of good.   There were over 400 children in that school and the first responders and sirens stopped further carnage.  These are things we need to be thankful for.  These are the things we need to remember too.

Love and Hope.   There is still Love in the world.  And there is still Hope in the world.  One evil act doesn’t take all of that away.  It just makes it harder to remember.

So we need to remember.  We need to remember the victims’ names: Emilie, Noah, Vicki, Jack.   Not the perpetrator’s.   We need to remember the Love in this world, not the hate.   We need to remember the Hope we have, not the despair we feel in a world gone crazy.

I’ve experience loss before and I know the biggest healer is time.   Lots and lots of time.  This wound I feel will heal.   Our nation will heal.  But those families will never heal.  May God’s love and our love give them peace and comfort.   Let’s not forget their loved ones.  They never will.