punkinhead

Usually I’m happy to knit hats, obviously.    I sell hand knit baby hats, I should be happy about it.   But recently I had to take a break from baby hats to make a hat I wasn’t happy about knitting.  Well, I was happy I could do it, but not happy for the reason I had to make it.   You see, it’s what they call a ‘chemo cap’.  A hat for someone who is about to lose their hair due to chemotherapy.   And it’s beautiful, for sure, I love the way it knitted up.   But, it’s for my stepdaughter, who has breast cancer.   Cancer has hit our family, again.   How can I be happy about that?

I can’t be ‘happy’, but I’m trying to be grateful.   Grateful her cancer is Stage 1.    Grateful they caught it early.   Grateful surgery went well.  Grateful she’s young and strong.   Grateful she has insurance.  Grateful she has a great attitude.   Grateful she is here.

So I’m shipping off her ‘chemo cap’, though I really hate that term.   It’s done.   And I hope I don’t have to make another one any time soon.

If you know me, you know I usually have a million thoughts going through my head at any given time.   Especially at work.  I need to do this, but first I should do That, but wait, there’s this….   I’ve started actually writing things down, otherwise I forget, of course, then an hour later remember, and have to stop what I’m doing to do what I was supposed to do, then the cycle continues.

So, I’ve had a few thoughts running through my head this last week.  First is my very own “Sliding Doors” moment.  If you don’t know, “Sliding Doors” is a Gwyneth Paltrow movie from the late 90’s.  The movie follows two story lines – 1 where Gwyneth’s character barely catches the subway train, and subsequently catches her boyfriend cheating on her.  The 2nd story arc is where the subway doors slide shut and she misses the train, and therefore, doesn’t discover the affair, stays with her boyfriend, etc.  It’s a good movie, though I hated the end.   Anyway, my point is that the other day I didn’t do my usual morning routine because I had to take my daughter to the doctor.   Right before we head out the door, I remember I wanted to take my library book to read in the waiting room,so I run up to get it.  Finally we get into the car and head down the same highway we take everyday.   But wait, traffic is backed up.  There’s an accident.  A bad one.   Car on fire, type of bad.  After 1/2 hour we are told by the police to turn around and exit the on ramp.   Later we find out the accident was fatal, and a 24 year old lost his life.  That could have been us.   Reports say the accident happened about 4 minutes before we arrived at the scene.  And traffic wasn’t backed up that far.    No, it didn’t take me 4 minutes to go get my book, but if we had been just a little faster getting ready, or I had woken up 4 minutes earlier, we could have met that same terrible fate.   So, why didn’t we?  Fate?  God?

Well, I mentioned the other million thoughts going through my head, and the other has been thinking of the thoroughly stupid things I did as a young person, and somehow I’m still here.   God must have a plan for my life.   Maybe it’s raising my daughter.  Maybe it’s to be in the right place at the right time to benefit someone else.   Maybe it won’t even happen for another 20 years.   In any case, I thank God that I’m still here.  Even more so, with every fiber of my being, I thank God my daughter is here, and safe.